Lock down even affects my senses these days, I guess. Anxiety, depression, fear of failure, I don’t know why it recur. Not that I can’t go out, mingle with my students, talk to the friendly envious colleagues of mine, or inhale the air of the college which causes this state of mind or state of affairs. Thought you could possibly identify the cause if I succeed in explaining the reasons behind my fear(?)
There are a few things that march to and fro in my head. The thought if I could emerge as a better writer /promising one which was the sole reason behind me starting an own blog, then going through its stats, followers and also the comments repeatedly and getting not many could be a prominent cause of my restlessness. Though I convince myself telling I may have good days ahead, that can’t console me now😢.
Again, if I will ever earn a lump sum amount on my own, from a reputable work so that I could meet my ends in a better way, is running parallel to the previous thought I mentioned . I don’t desire for a luxury life, but just an intense desire to support my daughter who’s trying her luck for the second time on her Mission Medicine. I made a futile attempt to make her realize that becoming a doctor is a wretchedly costly affair( unless she secures the merit seat) in her 10th grade itself. A broken winged bird, perhaps, in its attempt to fly. I already have a reputable work of being a teacher in a private institution, without much pennies in my hand… I don’t see further possibilities, yet not ready to give up…
Whom do I share these worries of mine with? I know what you think, but I don’t expect to get a solution from a source that doesn’t feel those emotions of mine as theirs. I wish I had good friends, I mean sincere, trustworthy and the like, not sadists. I always dream of a friend who has enough time for me, make me realize what I am, would motivate me and support me with priceless words…that seem impossible now.
I am discontent with those people around me who doesn’t appreciate genuine talents in others. They make you work, appreciate your work when they need something from you, but pulls your leg from all the possible sides. There are that sort of people also who would watch your work and then let that winsome effort of you go without a word of appreciation, in public. I , sometimes think of not working for them, but can’t stick to it.
No growth in me, no more possible too… I wish I could forget everything, at least while sleeping, but that seems another impossibility. Do you have any suggestions? If so, please let me know.